I thought very seriously about sharing this poem. I originally wrote it several years ago, but I’ve updated it since then. It’s about the internal anger, which I feel now that it’s no longer possible to be angry with the appropriate person. Not knowing how to deal with my rage, despite my therapist’s suggestions of punching cushions, screaming into pillows, yelling to loud music etc., the only outlet I have for my feelings is my writing. I hope you will understand my reason for sharing this somewhat uncomfortable and sombre poem, and please know that I don’t wish to offend anyone who may read this.
How do I shield my mind, my darling
from the wrath, I have towards myself
or the tongue, as sharp as a blade
that spits bitter words with every breath?
~~~
My soul shrouded by secrets untold,
whipped by the wind in a hot desert storm
beaten against fresh, fair skin;
sour, narrow eyes, blinking.
~~~
My spirit dances with hollow sighs
and its shadow falls and tumbles
into the darkest of clouds;
tears flow freely into the midnight sky.
~~~
But now, my scarlet demons
run screeching from the hills
and the steep mountains rage;
and then forever hushed.
AFTERTHOUGHT …
Essentially Ellie 
Awesome poem. I’m glad you found a way to express yourself. Your writing is always amazing. Emotions are sometimes like clouds, accumulating and accumulating until they are so saturated it needs a release, so you let it rain 🌧️…then the sweet release comes. I hope you feel better 😚 Thanks for sharing 🐱
Thank you very much, J. You are quite right in the way that you describe emotions – that’s exactly how it feels to me. Thank you for your encouragement to continue to write my feelings out. It does really help me to write about these as it gives me some relief for at least while. Xx 😘💕
Whatever method you end up finding useful and healthy Ellie, do it. Keep moving thru the clinical process I’m sure your therapist is aiding you with. ❤️ If I may share one healthy method that worked for me super well, and curiously enough your therapist mentions/suggests… two powerful songs helped me:
• “Simple Design ” off the album We Are Not Alone by Breaking Benjamin — for the deep-seeded anger inside me during that distant time.
And for a more peaceful, soothing, therapeutic song that worked for me…
• “ Silent Lucidity” off the album Empire by Queensrÿche.
But of course, you find whatever works best for you Madame, whatever the HEALTHY means. 🥰
Thank you for your encouragement, Dwain. My therapist is excellent; I trust her and feel safe with her. I’m no good at screaming even when I am alone and have tried the method of getting angry with the imaginary person (my abuser) in the opposite chair in my therapist’s room. It just doesn’t work for me. However, like you, music does help a bit. I listened to both the songs you suggested; the first one, Simple Design, I could really identify with – I liked the lyrics and the tone of the music. I will play it again. Silent Lucidity is an excellent and soothing song, and I liked that, too. Thank you for those suggestions. In the past, I’ve used very unhealthy coping strategies to deal with my feelings. However, I haven’t done any of those things for many years and don’t intend to use them again. I broke my family at that time and will always be trying to make amends for that time in my life. However, I never talk about those times to my family, although they and my friends know I don’t use those methods anymore. Thank you for caring, Dwain. I appreciate it. 💗💕
I too liked/love the lyrics to Simple Design, the explicit lyrics that is. 😈😉
See! Reflecting back you can find your successes—“ although they and my friends know I don’t use those methods anymore”—and build upon them.
Those songs worked for me and my issues. Can’t tell you how many times I played them over and over. A gazillion? I also am a drummer so beating it out on the skins with my sticks was superbly therapeutic for me! I imagine I looked like this AN-na-MAL… umm, the red-headed maniac that is. Hope you’re able to view this 50-sec video in the UK:
Mmm, yep. VERY therapeutic beatin’ it out! 😉
Thanks again, Dwain. The first Simple Design video I watched wasn’t the explicit one, so I’ve just gone back and found that one – much better 😉! I think I’ll be playing that one over again, too. Being a drummer must be fantastic – a great way to destress and get your feelings out. I’d quite like to have been able to do that. I have a grown-up nephew and sister who play drums seriously and my 16-year-old granddaughter also plays. She’s at music college now and is studying for her grade 6 exam. She’s brilliant. I could watch the Jimmy Fallon video, too. It was funny. 😘
Writing can be an excellent outlet for our emotions! I’m glad it’s working for you!
Thank you, Ann. It does help me to express my feelings in writing. Sometimes, the relief is only temporary, but I feel if I keep at it and don’t give up, I will get there in the end. X
Just write my friend.
No need for apology.
You are doing great.
Thank you, Granny, and thanks for your reassurance, too. Love you Xxx 💝
What I used to do, but have not needed to do for a few years now, is go into a part of town usually fairly deserted at night, and just scream! No words. No particular thought in my head. I could scream terror. I could scream rage. Or I could just scream to let the screams get out! I would just stand there and scream till I was all screamed out. If anyone ever heard me, they wete too scared to come see was I alright. When I first started doing this I could scream for half-an-hour or more at a time. Slowly it took less and less, until just one scream sufficed. After a few times with just one scream, I just never went back again.
I am not saying this woukd work for anyone else, but it worked for me. It started once a month, and slowed to once a year at the end.
Thank you for your suggestion about screaming out loud in a deserted place, J. I can see that that would be an excellent way to release pent-up feelings of anger. Unfortunately, it’s not something I could do as I live in a city where people are always around. There is nowhere really deserted, and I would be too vulnerable even attempting to do this at night as a woman on her own, particularly as a wheelchair user. I have tried screaming into pillows etc., but I just can’t get those feelings and the sound out even though I’m alone in the house and wouldn’t be overheard. Writing in the way I do is the only way I seem to be able to externalise those feelings. I’m glad you’re not feeling the need to scream your heart out anymore, or at least for quite some time now. 💗💕💗
Keep on writing…🤗🤗🤗
Keep sharing dear friend.
Keep writing.
You are doing great job by taking out these emotions
Thank you for your encouragement, my friend. It means a lot. It helps me greatly to be able to write as I do. 💕
yeah!! You keep shining okay??
You got this
Thanks, Devang 🌞
I feel the rage and yes… that afterhtought.
Thank you, Simon. That afterthought really spoke to me (and to you, it seems). Sending you kind thoughts.
Yes it really did… thank you 🙂
I’m getting that the bitter tongue was an ex and if you are no longer angry that the pain is releasing. I dread to think of the secrets, love the crying into the midnight sky, I hope that the demons stay hushed far away on the mountains, such wonderful imagery, thank you
Thank you, Phil. It wasn’t an ex, although I feel it would have been easier to deal with if it had been. It was much earlier on in my life than that when I was abused as a child. The anger I speak of is that against myself, although I appreciate that this is misdirected now. For a long time it’s been my only way of coping as I couldn’t and can’t get angry with my abuser. I am trying to use the method my therapist is suggesting, which is to get angry with ‘that person’ in the chair opposite me in the therapy room. It’s not easy and I haven’t mastered it yet, but I’m not giving up. Hope you understand more now. Thank you for your kind words and caring comments.
Sorry to hear that, thanks for sharing, that is very harsh
💙
This was seriously beautiful and powerful writing. I particularly like the line “My spirit dances with hollow sighs”—so evocative and poetic. Keep pushing through, Ellie. I do find screaming into pillows as a bit of a release and it usually is followed by a walloping crying session which leaves me feeling free of whatever sparked the firey anger.
Thank you so much, Bridgette. I really do appreciate your kind words. I’m finding it so difficult to get angry. I have tried the methods my therapist has suggested, but I can’t produce a sound or even tears into a pillow. I rarely, if ever, cry when I’m on my own, only occasionally in therapy. I wish I could, though. I’m sure it would be a release and a relief. I won’t give up trying, though. Xx 💕