Honestly, I hate having BPD. A couple of days ago, I felt really well. Today, I feel like I’m swimming through murky water at the bottom of the ocean, along with the starfish and the molluscs. I can’t explain why my mood has dropped other than knowing it is the ‘nature of the beast’. For anyone who doesn’t know what having BPD feels like, the Youtube video below puts the feelings across far better than I ever could. Please take the time to watch it.
So far today and it’s now lunchtime, I have achieved absolutely nothing! I’m meant to be doing the last proof-read and edit of my book which is due to be published very soon – I haven’t even started. I’m meant to be phoning my friend but don’t want to contaminate her with my misery. I’d promised myself I would start reading my most recent book, ironically called ‘You Can Be Happy, No Matter What’. I ought to force myself to read it – it would probably do me good but I don’t even have the ‘umph’ to get started. You could say that “My get up and go has got up and gone”. I just want to sleep to shut it all out; I want to be in bed with my bear, all snuggled up safe.
I’m stressing over every little thing. I’m driving myself out of my mind. I’m wondering whether to give blogging a break after this but then I would feel so guilty if I didn’t keep up with my friends’ blogs as I like to read each one of them carefully and ‘Like’ or ‘Comment’ where I feel I want to give some feedback. If I disappear from my blog for a while, please forgive me (and I will be back), and if I suddenly stop reading your blogs, Like or Comment on them for a while, please don’t be offended. At the moment, I just can’t keep up with everything and feel like I’m wading through treacle.
So, I don’t know what I’m going to do. I might disappear for a short while or, hey, I might feel less overwhelmed later or tomorrow and feel ‘full of beans’ again. Who knows!!
Essentially Ellie 
Dear, while it is important to serve others, this blog is about YOU. Not the people you follow, and it is not important to comment or like anything. It’s nice, but not at the detriment of yourself. Hugs, xxxx
Thank you so much for your understanding. I will think carefully, about what you have said and I appreciate your comment. Hugs, Ellie xxx
Ellie – only you can best determine what it is you need to do. If you need time, you take it. And everyone will still be around.
Healing is such a process that can be filled with such bumpy rides — and the more you pressure yourself, the worse it is. The last thing you need is a self-induced guilt-trip … so try taking it slowly, breaking down the “necessities” into smaller bits, and do some here and there. And be good and loving and kind to yourself.
Hope you’re feeling much better soon.
Hugs to you 🙂
Thank you, Pat. Life gets very complicated and unpredictable which, as the video show, is typical of someone with BPD without everything else being ‘thrown into the mix’. Sometimes I feel that I will never heal but I know you are right – it is a bumpy ride. Sometimes, I feel I want to be alone; other times, I’m desperate for company and companionship . Thank you, as always, for your understanding. Hugs, Ellie xxx