Filling Holes

I feel lost without the space where I once sat
And the easy way I used to be able to chat
About so much that was bothering me
Dealing with it all in my now absent therapy

I’m now on a waiting list; I hope a place comes soon
Feelings and sentiments are confusingly strewn
What to do with all this time that goes so slowly by
Waiting for a new assessment; I hope I qualify

I miss the reassurance that I could cope
I like to think I can, and I still have that hope
I must find other means with which to fill my days
Emotion, when choked back, finds other ways

I’ve found myself with lots of empty holes to fill
I somehow have the energy; I need to find the will
Thought I’d visit a workshop to try my hand at art
A brand new shiny hobby I could possibly start

Wednesday night, I’m going to circle drumming
Listen to guitars in the next room gently strumming
Beating the drums will get pent-up feelings out
Dispelling anxious tension, I have no doubt

I don’t need to be perfect; just try to keep the beat
It’s easy to catch on to; no need to be discreet
It’s about celebrating life and having lots of fun
I’m passionate about it, and I’m not the only one

Thursday afternoons, I’ll go out picking litter
Even when the weather is absolutely bitter
I’m with a group of people; wouldn’t dare to go alone
Filling council bags with rubbish that’s been thrown

Papers, tickets, fag ends scattered in the park
It keeps us very busy until it’s almost dark
Doing something positive to while away the time
As out of my despair, I’m slowly learning to climb.


Photo by Markus Winkler on Unsplash

57 thoughts on “Filling Holes

    1. Thank you, Penny, for your kind comment. I’m doing my very best to keep my head up. It’s not always easy, but I’m giving it my best shot. Thanks for your encouragement. Xx 💖

    1. Thank you, Phil. I have a great time with the drum circle. I’ve never done it before. There is a first time for everything, or so they say. I’m doing my best to keep myself occupied. Hope you’re okay 😊.

  1. I love the positivity you’re feeling in this one Ellie! Through the good and the bad you will continue to get better and stronger. I’m on this journey of the unknown with you. I’ll be thinking of you beautiful friend. ❤️💖❤️💖❤️💖❤️💖❤️💖🌹🌷

    1. Thank you, Christopher. I’m doing my best to be positive. It isn’t always easy, but I don’t want to go back down into that black hole again, although sometimes, it’s tempting, just because it feels familiar and, somehow, safe. Not sure if that makes sense. It is definitely a journey into the unknown, without a doubt. I’m glad that you are on this journey with me. It’s always good to have a friend alongside me. Thank you, as always, for your beautiful and kind words. Big hugs Xx 💖💖💖🤗🤗🤗💖💖💖😘😘😘💖💖💖🤗🤗🤗💖💖💖

    1. Thank you, Mick. I’m gradually finding things to fill the holes with. I’m doing my best anyway. Thank you for your faith in me and your encouragement. Hope you and your family are well? X

      1. Not bad, Ellie, although I’m currently fighting off a throat infection. Well, I say fighting it off…sitting around and whinging about it is probably closer to the truth.

  2. I love the title of your poem, Ellie, because it expresses exactly how i feel about people in need of help. I had holes in my spirit, caused by things I could not control as a child, things that tore me apart. And that is the language I tried to impart to people I counselled for their addictions. They all had holes too.
    But I had one difference in my language. I suggested healing the holes rather than filling them. Filled holes can be re-emptied. Anything might do that. But a healed hole cannot ne re-emptied, for the hole is no longer there.
    As a counsellor I found language to be a very important tool. I don’t know that I can explain it properly, but words can change the way people look at their ailments. And what works for one does not always work for another. “Holes” itself was something not everyone could grasp at first. But once they accepted holes, if they did, they would end up agreeing healing the holes was far superior to just filling them. Those were my successes. I wish I had had more successes.

    1. Thank you, J. As always, you make so much sense. I love how you think about ‘holes’. I know that my ‘holes’ originally developed from my awful experiences as a child, too. I can see how filling holes is different from healing holes. I feel I’m now filling holes with healthy things like positive activities, whereas, with all of my past addictions, I was filling holes with alcohol, drugs, self-harm and frequent suicide attempts. I read an anonymous quote about addictions: “People are not addicted to alcohol or drugs; they are addicted to escaping reality.” This is how I used to feel.

      The idea of ‘healing’ my holes is very appealing, although I know it will take time. Perhaps, when I finally get a new counsellor, this will be something I can work on with her, too. I reckon you must have been an excellent addictions counsellor. Even if you had successful clients 50% of the time (just plucking a figure out of the air as an example), you would have helped to change the lives of 50% of those people, which is a darned sight better than none at all. Not everyone has your skills.

      Today would have been my dear Mum’s 92nd birthday. She saw me through and stuck by me all through the years I was in the grip of addictions. Unlike most of my family, she never gave up on me. I still miss her every day.

      1. She did not give up on you because she knew you could overcome your problems. I think you are starting to know that too.
        I know 50% was just a throwaway number, but if I could gave helped 50% of my clents I would have been a miracle worker. Most addicts do not want to be helped until their 3rd or 4th time through treatment and couselling, if even then. They go because someone else wants or forces them to go. It takes time to admit one has a problem if they can’t already see that for themselves. And then comes the shame that the problems were out of their control in the first place, so they blame themselves, and punish themselves for a while. Helping addicts to heal is not an easy job, and usually it is a long process. It takes a while for some counsellors to admit this, they think they can heal people, but they can’t.They can only help. And if a person dues not want help, then it is impossible.
        And this is the problem with the whole mental health system. They give us 10 or so sessions to help someone, as you already know. And private counsellors charge far too much for their services, not everyone can afford them.
        There are miracles, but no miracle cures. But government politicians can’t see that. They say they care, but most of them care more about getting reelected.
        Sorry for ranting, but once I started it was hard to stop.

    1. Aww … thank you so much, Brian. I am trying the best that I can. Strangely enough, it’s actually more difficult to write positive things than it is negative things. I think there’s something about being in that deep dark place that triggers powerful emotions and dark thoughts, which I find easier to express. Perhaps, I will get better at writing positive poetry and posts with a bit more practice. Thank you for saying that you like my work. That means a lot to me. I will definitely keep writing. How are you doing today?

  3. Good for you for trying new things! That’s a very wise way to cope with anxiety and depression. It doesn’t cure it, but it does help you focus on the things that you still can do, and the gifts you still have to give…..

    1. Thank you, Ann, for your encouraging words. Taking part in all these new things keeps my mind occupied and focused on the positive things in my life rather than always the negative things. Once I get home, it’s still quite tough to get through but I am trying the best that I can. I love the drumming – it’s really good for the soul. X 😘

  4. You are doing so well Ellie. I know the holes and wounded places are there and I feel certain you are on a path to know how to love yourself, hold yourself, care for yourself, cherish yourself. That said there is a grief with losing a safe and loving space to share. Its so precious.

    1. Thank you so much, Deborah. I hope I will get better at caring for myself. I am trying very hard. Yes, you are quite right – I am grieving that safe space I had to explore my feelings with my therapist. I hope it won’t be too long before they find me someone else, although they’ve said it’s likely to be months rather than weeks. That seems an awfully long time at the moment. I’m going to continue to try and look after myself in the meantime. Thank you for your kind and caring words. Hugs Xx 🤗🌹😘

  5. Bravo on the litter clean-up. Is this something you’ve been doing for a while or something new you’re trying. Pre-kids, I did a lot of that, just as I walked around town. I got out of the habit because it didn’t seem right to pick up trash and then pop a pacifier in Sophie’s mouth. Since I frequently walk to work, I should take the practice up again.

    1. Thanks, Jeff. I do the litter-picking as part of a group of friends from XR (Extinction Rebellion). We are concentrating on working in the community in various ways rather than disrupting the public. I’ve been taking part for quite a few weeks now and it’s very satisfying. We come across some weird objects sometimes. I found a pair of brand new pliers, still in their packet, and a can of partly used Nitrous Oxide!! That’s used as laughing gas, but also some kids or adults use it to get high from sniffing the stuff. It can be fatal. Goodness knows what that was doing by the roadside! The most common things to find our empty sandwich packets, plastic bottle caps and cigarette butts in the hundreds, which are quite difficult to pick up when they’ve got wet. We go out in nearly all weathers including that week when is was 0C all day over here. Even with lots of layers on and a thick coat, I was still freezing. A third pair of socks next time, I think. I get colder than everyone else because I can’t walk around to keep warm. Still, it’s worth it.

      Good for you for having done some of this in the past. I can understand your reason for giving up, though. Because people can see that we’re doing good things in the community, they will come up and say something nice, despite as having our XR patches on our bags and backs. It makes a nice change.

      1. Thank you 🙂

        I’ve been well. I had one of the most memorable weekends I’ve had in a long time (in a good way). I went back to work yesterday, and it’s been okay except that it’s been raining a lot with the possibility of flooding, and I have to cross two rivers to get to work so I’m just hoping I won’t end up stranded at any point.

      2. Glad you are well and that you had such a good weekend, Greg. It’s been raining here for days, too, but thankfully, we haven’t any likelihood of being flooded. Crossing two rivers to get to work must be one of the most unusual ways to get to work than I can think of. 😊

      3. Let me rephrase that. My work is two cities away, about a half hour drive, and the drive takes me across two rivers. One of them is particularly prone to flooding, because there are no dams or reservoirs along the entire course of the river. A week ago, there were some levee breaks, and my regular commute to work was flooded for around 24 hours, but that has not happened again so far yet, and at that time there was another slightly longer route I could have used, plus it happened over the New Year holiday so I didn’t have to work during that time anyway.

        I have a crazy story about what I did Friday night… I feel like I’ve been telling this story way too much since it happened, but if you want to hear it, you can message me privately. And Saturday I went to dinner and karaoke for a friend’s birthday. I feel like I’m still riding a high from all that…

    1. Thank you, Devang. Yes, I’m feeling a little more positive. My art is nothing special – just splashing paint on paper. I only started yesterday. The drumming I’ve been doing for a few weeks. I love the passion behind it. I play with a group of other drummers. It’s good for the soul. I will try and catch up with a couple of your posts later if I can. I know you wrote one about carbohydrates and one about fibre. Thanks again for your kind words, my friend.

  6. Sounds like you have chosen a variety of activities to occupy your time and thoughts with! Bravo!

    1. Thank you, Tamara. I didn’t actually plan these activities by myself. They seemed to come along and present themselves to me differently. It’s strange as I wasn’t looking for anything in particular. Thank you for all your advice – I’ve learned so much from you, your posts (which I still have some yet to read) and from your books. How are you doing? You haven’t posted anything recently. You must be very busy – I hope you’re well, though. Xx 💞

      1. Thanks so much, Ellie! Yes busy and well! I’m always in awe of how the universe sends us the teachers we need and provides for all our needs, we just need to say yes to them, for they don’t usually get imposed upon us! I’m happy that this has happened very organically in your life, and good for you for saying yes! I’m humbled that you keep reading and learning from my writing, and also delighted! I had recommended Googling “Smash books” on Pinterest because they’re artistic journaling for the creative soul! You may enjoy this too!

      2. I’m glad you’re well, Tamara. I didn’t know anything about that aspect of the universe until I met you. It’s quite amazing what can happen. I feel much more open to new ideas than I was before, although, naturally, I do still have days where everything seems too much. I’m just trying to go with the flow, as they say. I will google Smash books. They sound interesting. Thanks again. Xx 🌷

    1. Thank you so much for your kind words, Cindy. Everything I write is my truth and comes from my soul. It’s the only way I know how to write. I love drumming and am hoping to go along again tonight. It’s great fun. I will keep going with the new activities I am taking part in as it seems the best way to survive at the moment. Xx 🌼💕

    1. Thanks, Brit. I am keeping very busy, possibly a bit too busy, but at least, it’s giving me less time to feel down about waiting for such a long time to see another counsellor. I’m glad you liked my poem. Thank you. Xx 🌷💕

    1. Thank you for having such faith in me, Simon. You are always so kind and that’s much-appreciated. I’ve had a stressful day today, but am going to go to the drum circle tonight. Nothing like having a good bang on a drum to reduce your stress levels and anxiety. It should be good – I enjoy going, although it makes for a late night getting home again. It should be fun anyway. How are you doing? 😊

  7. This post makes me so happy—hearing all the ways you are filling those holes. Art, drumming and helping clean the park—these are big things! Keep doing what works. Sometimes it’s simply one breathe at a time. You’ve got this, Ellie. I know you do.

    1. Thank you so much, Bridgette. That means a lot to me. I’m enjoying my new activities, although balancing them with my coursework and my blog are a real challenge. Thank you very much for your encouragement and faith in me. I value your opinion and views. Love to you, my friend Xx 🌹💖

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