I’m absolutely shattered again today and it’s entirely my own fault (I think, anyway). I went to bed far too late, had four hours sleep (not enough for me) and had to be up at 5.30am as my carers come at 6.30am latest.
I don’t know why i don’t allow myself to go to bed at a reasonable time, when i am sleepy or exhausted. I just don’t! Sometimes i think i don’t deserve the comfort of my lovely, cosy bed, snuggly duvet and even snugglier bear! So then, i carry on writing my book, reading, blogging, chatting on Facebook etc., anything to avoid going to bed! Stupid? Maybe.Others disagree and suggest ideas, sympathize etc where some just simply berate me, telling me quite firmly that it is my own fault. Is it? Given what i have had to go through in my life as blogged about in many earlier posts, some people have suggested it’s just another form of self-harm which is pretty feasible given that i have only recently (almost) stopped cutting and i am still borderline anorexic. I really think there might be something in that but how do i stop? I know i am disabled and can do very little physical activity, but i spend my days walking around (well, sitting in my case) like a zombie.
If i get carried away with writing my book or my blog, which i often do, i can easily be up past two o’clock in the morning and sometimes decide that it’s not worth going to bed at all when it’s that late as i’d have to be up two to three hours later. Why is it i seem to have lots of ideas pop up into my head just as the time when everyone else has gone to bed? I’m nearly always at my keyboard from early in the morning till very late at night. I know this isn’t good for me either. I’ve been told many a time, i should take a break from peering at the screen, quite frequently and that having my laptop on my lap (which was the main purpose of buying it) isn’t good either as electrical equipment like laptops give off vibes that can affect the body physically. It can affect both men and women’s fertility, for example; it can affect eyesight and the brain with continued use. It’s not good for my posture either as i am bent over the keyboard rather than sitting up with my back straight. I already have osteoporosis in my spine and hips so i’m not helping myself much there either.
Just occasionally, (well, if i’m honest it’s most nights), i’ll nod off, sitting in my chair, for a short while or even wake to find myself literally slumped onto the keyboard resulting in a very stiff neck and usually about a million or so ‘a’s or ‘z’s typed out on to the page which then all have to be deleted, or it’s sometimes easier to scrap the whole article, post etc and start again from scratch! Great!
And as i’ve said before, often i wake up to find the letters ‘QWERTY’ embossed into my forehead and across my nose! Not exactly a fashionable look! I have got to do something about this ridiculous situation!
(photo credit ‘Shutterstock’ from Bing Images)
Essentially Ellie 
In some ways, yes, you are self-harming – but I think it’s part and parcel of the fallout from having been so victimized. I know that when I’m really upset – I can’t or won’t sleep – or allow myself to – instead writhing around in the vicious cycle that is my crap. And no, it’s not healthy.
But I think you can find ways to stop this behaviour – or at least keep it in check. Make a small goal list – like shutting off your computer by 8 or 9 in the evening – and if ideas come to you – jot them down (not necessarily full fledged all worked out) on paper; read a book, relax in ways that start to help you calm your mind and prepare yourself for sleep.
There is one thing I personally have come to realize – it’s all about scheduling and control – self- control. As victims of abuse – we often feel that everything is out of our control – and truthfully – it isn’t. We *do* have the power to reclaim ourselves – one small step at a time. It’s about finding a way. Another idea – try setting an egg timer – like for 20 minutes – and then stop whatever at the computer – and get up or move around – go do something else that engages you. These “small steps” may seem like nothing of consequence, but assuredly, they *do* help – and you’ll feel better physically and emotionally.
Thank you so much, Patricia for caring enough and taking the time and trouble to comment on this post. I think you have hit the nail right on the head. I will certainly give your ideas serious consideration and will definitely try to discipline myself to give them a go, starting with tonight. I think the idea of making myself switch my computer off at a set time (which won’t be easy for me, believe me!) and perhaps catch up on some of my recently neglected reading which i’ve actually been wanting to do but have not ‘allowed’ myself the privilege of delving into my much-loved books will be a good start! I know this should help me ‘wind down’ a bit before going to bed. I certainly need to catch up with some sleep, which as you say, will probably make me feel generally better. Thanks again for your thoughts – they are much appreciated xxx
Well Ellie – they are suggestions – and I hope they help. Sometimes I think we need to learn to give ourselves permission to enjoy pleasurable things – the little things that make us feel good. And it all stems back to the hurt and pain – of course – but slowly, just try to find ways that work for you – one day and moment at a time. Each little success is a huge triumph – and believe me, it’s far easier to build on small successes than one huge one. Be good and kind to yourself Ellie. 🙂
Thank you, Patricia. Hope that you are ok xxx ❤ 🙂
I think I fixed it Ellie
Teela
Hi Teela, i can’t get that page at all now, not just the video. Is it just me or others having trouble reading your post today? Would love to watch it xx
You should be able to see it here.
She studied psychology while her music career was taking off. She is from Belgium and her message is powerful. I hope you can get it from the url I put here.
Thanks so much, Teela. I have been able to watch the film now. Yes, it is a powerful message and also very moving x