For once, i am not adding an image to this post because i intend to keep it very brief and these few words are sufficient. I am struggling today, to write what i intended to post. I’m not sure why and am feeling very frustrated. I’m trying to write about the eight year relationship i had with a therapist who eventually, having caused me untold damage, got struck off! This was two years ago and i am seeing a new therapist and i really thought i had healed from this prior therapy experience but now i am struggling so much to write anything about this account. I don’t understand why. I phoned a close friend and told her and her advice was that maybe i was not yet ready to go there yet.
I have written many more posts that i would have thought would have been much harder to write about. And i find myself here, spouting rubbish and wondering whether to even publish it. What would be the point? It has no value or meaning – it’s just the way my feelings are at the moment. God, this is like trying to get blood out of a stone! I’m having to think and plan each word that i type and when i look back, i realise that yes, it is garbage and i should stop here. So why do i feel the need to go on? I am stuck; literally lost for words that usually flow so easily.
Can it really be that this eight year encounter has done more damage than my actual, original abuse? Surely that would not be possible….how could anything be worse that a whole childhood filled with emotional and constant sexual abuse? I don’t know the answer to that and am wondering whether any of you, out there could shed some light on my tighty, screwed-up emotions because i’m blowed if i know? I’m going to stop here before i bore the pants of any of my readers.
Now, I’m trying to press the ‘Publish‘ button and i’m holding back with fear and trepidation running through my veins, and suddenly i notice that tears are streaming down my face. What IS the matter with me today? CRAP!!!
4 thoughts on “TRYING TO GET BLOOD OUT OF A STONE”
Oh love, abusive relationships within therapy can be so damaging to work through and maybe right now it is just too raw to speak about. And that is ok. You don’t have to force yourself to go there. I have things in my life that I feel have probably done less damage to me overall than my abusive childhood, but I still struggle to speak of them even to my therapist, and if would never even consider writing about them as it would be too painful. And probably my childhood has added to why they happened or how painful they are. That’s not to say that this is what is happening here, I don’t know your exact situation, but sometimes some things are more in the forefront of our minds or feel more raw for that day – another day it might be the opposite. And actually, when it comes to abuse I don’t think there are levels of worse and better…trauma is trauma, abuse is abuse and untangling the web of why or how we feel more about one situation than another in any given moment feel be impossible. Try to take care of you where you are right now and know that it is okay to feel whatever you feel about this situation. Sending hugs xxx
Oh, Mariann, thank you for understanding exactly where i am at and probably why. And thank you for not thinking i’m completely insane. I think, maybe, i should talk to my current therapist about the problems i’ve had here with this before i write any more. Hugs back to you too, my friend xxx
I am so sorry about your experience with your previous therapist. Unfortunately, there are many trained therapists who get caught up in having their clients meet their own needs, and it is extremely damaging to both the client and the therapeutic relationship. I believe you are hurting so deeply because 1- 8 years is a long long time to pour your heart out to someone, expecting that they know what they’re doing and are going to help you heal. 2- you were grown and chose the relationship, again, thinking she (I assume she) knew what she was doing. 3- you were retraumatized, and often the retraumatization not only triggers old trauma, but you have to process the new trauma as well. 4- if the therapist was allowing you to meet her needs at the expense of you, you have now become victim to another abuser. I hope you are able to work through this with your new therapist, and that your new therapist is healthy and able to teach you what is and is not acceptable behavior from therapists. I’m so sorry your therapist hurt you 😦 Hugs.
Thank you so much your comments which on reading them, make so much sense and have helped me to understand why this is so painful for me. I do believe the relationship between myself and my therapist became a co-dependent one which i know was not good at all. I do feel like i have abused again and thank you so much for recognizing that fact, when it hadn’t occurred to me. Thank you so much for this information. Hugs to you xxx