For once, i am not adding an image to this post because i intend to keep it very brief and these few words are sufficient. I am struggling today, to write what i intended to post. I’m not sure why and am feeling very frustrated. I’m trying to write about the eight year relationship i had with a therapist who eventually, having caused me untold damage, got struck off! This was two years ago and i am seeing a new therapist and i really thought i had healed from this prior therapy experience but now i am struggling so much to write anything about this account. I don’t understand why. I phoned a close friend and told her and her advice was that maybe i was not yet ready to go there yet.
I have written many more posts that i would have thought would have been much harder to write about. And i find myself here, spouting rubbish and wondering whether to even publish it. What would be the point? It has no value or meaning – it’s just the way my feelings are at the moment. God, this is like trying to get blood out of a stone! I’m having to think and plan each word that i type and when i look back, i realise that yes, it is garbage and i should stop here. So why do i feel the need to go on? I am stuck; literally lost for words that usually flow so easily.
Can it really be that this eight year encounter has done more damage than my actual, original abuse? Surely that would not be possible….how could anything be worse that a whole childhood filled with emotional and constant sexual abuse? I don’t know the answer to that and am wondering whether any of you, out there could shed some light on my tighty, screwed-up emotions because i’m blowed if i know? I’m going to stop here before i bore the pants of any of my readers.
Now, I’m trying to press the ‘Publish‘ button and i’m holding back with fear and trepidation running through my veins, and suddenly i notice that tears are streaming down my face. What IS the matter with me today? CRAP!!!